Matthew | 23 years old |
United states is my place |
I'm an art freak |
I screw everything up.
Sometimes I take weeks..or a month or two to reply however I always reply. Sorry, I get stuck in my head and forget to return back to reality.
But I do care and I'm not ignoring you.
Interests: Animals, metal/rock'n roll music, horror movies, having a good time, coffee, my little dogs, friends, interesting conversations, computer geek, midnight, art, writing, Family Guy, dancing like an idiot.
I usually blog what's on my mind, art and photography for the most part.
“Black roses and frozen rain, leaving flowers on a stone cold grave,
As the leaves fall yellowing like aged paper, I kneel and cry out in agony, “Oh how my heart aches for you, how much I miss you… I’ll never forget you.”
Darkness begins to tear down the warmth in my body, I’ve become ice. In sadness I suffer…rattling chains, piercing the essence of my mind as the twilight fades into the distance…I ask myself, “Can I be helped?””
I’m falling downward into chaos; disappointment stabs my heart once more, Feeling overwhelmed I kneel down, Looking at my own spitting image of rejection, resisting not to break, I attempted detaching myself from the wretched truth; realizing I was simply foolish. As I at last take the reflective truth within, tension starts building inside, steadily, Forcing its way, as the self-inflicted pain begins… My mind filled with the shatters of spoken lies, I believed in an false illusion of love, The countless chapter’s of my heart uncovered and sorrow is reveled, I’m left in never-ending tears and heartaches, I’m plucking through the memories like petals on a rose, where have I gone wrong? I should have seen this coming… Kept hoping you’d grasp my hand again, that you’d embrace me endlessly, That you’d rescue me from this loneliness I endure…I was mistaken, I lay in this infancy room yet again, wiping away these bloody tears of hurt, I’ve truly lost all hope; the dreams of you have vanished, I’m done wishing… It’s time for me to move ahead and search for contentment for I can’t be in this incessant misery anymore…
I’m sitting, trapped in this chair, Angry walls that steal the air, My body aches in pain, Shadows dancing ubiquitously, Down in this hole, losing control, All I want is to fly and escape this place, But my wings have been denied…
I’m tired of getting walked on, Treated like a sheep by everyone around, Crawl through knives an inch per tear, Nailed to the floor, paralyzed, All I want is to be saved for once from this madness… Emotions drifting; I’m reaching out for somebody…anybody. But no one sees me… I’m closer than ever to the edge, I feel like a feat resident martyrs, But strong objection tracks my body…
I’m standing here cursing at the soul dead mass, With their fabled illusions, vain dreams that passed, Splinters of a life rushing by in the whirl, My eyes catch sight of a lone silent warrior standing in the black rain, Ready to take the reins for me, to rescue me, I take a picture of the pale, Pen down my regrets, New morning knocking, reaching for me, The dawn of a new handsome day, The painful memories of yesterday forgotten, With open arms, you’re standing there waiting for me…but can I trust you? Or are you just another wolf in disguise attempting to fool me?
I never thought my heart would fall so hard for you, for someone on the internet, your blonde hair and blue eyes, so beautiful you are…I still remember those times when we use to stay up late for hours and your mum would get mad and take your internet away and you’d wait and turn it back on so we could talk longer. And the fights we had over silly things. You taught me so much about loyalty and the meaning of a relationship. I use to not think anything about flirting and sex and you showed me what it really meant…
I remember those days when you would stay up just to help me or I’d log online earlier just to help you, and the long messages that we would send each other. I still remember what you said; “you are like no one else I’ve known. You’re different; I never had someone that truly cared about my life and how I felt like you do.” I couldn’t forget that. I couldn’t forget the day when we finally admitted we were in love with each other. It was the best day ever.
We would stay on webcam for hours, literally hours. I would have stayed up all night and it’d be like morning, 7-8am for me and I would be so dead tired but I tried so hard to stay awake because I wanted to talk to you for more hours. ♥ I remember when we use to talk about that one day that we will visit each other… The times when you tried to put a smile on my face when I was down and you would do stupid things just to see me smile…or when I would try to make a fool of myself to make you laugh. We could stare at each other for what almost felt like ages and not get bored. And those random conversations we had.
You never judged me; you took me as I was…just like I never judged you. I loved who you were, I even loved your flaws, I loved you. I was so fucking crazy about you, no one has ever made me feel like how you made me feel…all the pain that we felt, the love, the frustration, the happiness, the anger, the tears, the fighting, the joy, the laughter, the jealousy, the lust, the intensity, I would still do it all over again. It was an amazing thing what we had…I’d give anything to have it all back again. You’ve had such a big impact on my life; you’ve changed me for the better.
We knew in our hearts from the beginning that this probably wasn’t gonna last but we wanted this to be so different. We tried our best… I wish we didn’t have to say goodbye. I wanted so fucking badly for this relationship to work. But the distance was getting too hard to deal with although if you gave me one more chance I’d fight for it again, I’d fight for you again. But I know I have to let go of you. You say we can’t be friends, maybe you are right but I didn’t want to lose you, I wanted you to stay in my life…I realize now I have no choice but to let you go. You may feel empty when you see me but everytime I see even your name. My heart still lights up again, I automatically smile and tear up. I can’t promise you I won’t be self-destructive but I’m gonna try to be better than that because you showed me I can… 4 or something like that years have been the best, most meaningful years I could ever have. You will always have a place in my heart. I won’t ever forget you and what we had.
This is to Sarah, a friendship that started off so great and ended quite quickly. But probably for the best as we always fought and I kept hurting her. I sent her messages asking her if we could start over but she never replies so I took that as its time to give up and move on. I accept that now.
“Sarah, sensitive you were, awkwardly cute you were, A personality that paints an attractive design across the sea, We got along so well in the beginning like a dazzling dance at night, Jagged around the edges, and comfortably confused, You’re quiet but strong, Sounds like I’m playing that card but its truth about you, Talking endlessly, but unexpectedly it erupted, My feet were trapped in the snow and you paced on, questioning where I disappeared too, I yell for you but you don’t hear, time slips away like a rushing river, We discovered each other again…though it was too late, you had by now let go, I had hoped you would let bygones be bygones though that wasn’t the case… We both struggled to regain a sense of balance in the friendship but couldn’t recover it, Then you stumbled upon your rose, you cling to him so dearly close, I was excited for you, but then I noticed we started falling apart, We’re sinking, spinning, our friendship hanging by a thread, We lost control in the core of it all…I lost control, I spoke too sharply, Every sentence seemed to conflict, I begged your forgiveness once more… It’s too late…you are sprinting off into a blur, Again it happened; another friendship gone astray… So here we are, we say our goodbyes indefinitely, And now we carry on and life moves forward… Maybe one day we see each other another time…or maybe not…I’ll never know.”